My wife and I are fortunate to have a pair of friends –Jack and Julia- with two little boys near our son’s age. We recently attended their oldest son’s birthday party and there was no shortage of guests: nearly two dozen kids and plenty of parents, cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends to join in.
With a group this size it seems only natural that my son will escape my eagle eyes and venture into the vicinity of other people. I told Jack that if he saw my son misbehaving, he was welcome to deal with it and not seek my permission.
-PAUSE-
This is where things get messy. We live in such a litigious society and the slightest disagreement can result in ended friendships, lawsuits, or fist fights. So many parents seem to be touchy about someone bursting the gentle bubble their child occupies.
I had no qualms about Jack or Julia dealing with my son if the need arose. That’s a strange statement for me to make since I couldn’t honestly tell you right now how they might do it. But I know for certain it would be reasonable and safe. It would also teach my son a valuable lesson – misbehaving away from daddy and mommy can still result in punishment.
All of that said, I thought about some guidelines that might help grown-ups come to terms with how to discipline other peoples’ children.
1) Set Boundaries – Despite having eyes in the back of our heads, parents are not psychic. Don’t expect your friends or baby sitters to know how you feel about disciplining your child, let alone agree with it. If you are against spanking or you don’t use time outs with your children, let others know.
2) Defense is a Must – If your child, someone else’s child, or an adult is in danger because of a child’s actions, stop it immediately. You don’t need their parent’s permission! Once you’ve thwarted the hazard, deal with the situation calmly like any other.
3) Mi Casa es Mi Casa – You don’t need to change the rules of your house or family to accommodate someone else’s child. But be reasonable. Children in a new or uncommon environment (like those non-psychic parents) aren’t going to know every rule and routine. “Everyone in this house shares their toys”, can be an easy explanation and you don’t need to resort to discipline.
4) The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly – When the (still) non-psychic parents arrive to collect their kids, share the events of the day. Don’t be shy about relating good and bad stories. “Johnny had a great time and ate his entire lunch” or “Paulette did well at dinner, but threw a tantrum when she didn’t get to play in the rain puddles.” Whatever story you have to tell, please respect the other parent enough to discuss it like adults. Phrasing it like you’re chatting with a toddler (“Kevin had a little problem sharing with the other boys and girls and that’s not good”) is insulting.
The bottom line is that communication will be your lifeline to positive interaction. Parents can and should talk to each other and their children. Make sure to tell your own children that they should listen to and respect other adults as well.
(Originally published in The ProActiveDad column of IEFamily.com on 2-2-2011)
The post Disciplining Other Parents’ Children appeared first on ProActiveDads.com.