(This will be the first in a two part series on adoption. A recent meeting with a woman currently in the adopting process made me realize the importance of discussing a topic I have thus far rarely mentioned.The first part will discuss the meeting my wife and I had with her and what brought her to us. The second will go more deeply into the emotional aspects of adopting, being adopted, and foster care. You are encouraged to share your own thoughts on all of these as we discuss this important issue.)
I’ve never been an adoption evangelist. Supporter is an accurate description, but I don’t usually give my opinion on the subject to those who don’t ask. I also don’t usually discuss the fact that I myself am adopted. If someone asks I will certainly tell them, but I don’t wear a t-shirt that says, “I’m adopted. Yeah for me.”
All of that being said, I am extremely and eternally thankful that I was put up for adoption by young, new parents who realized they weren’t able to handle such responsibility. I’m also grateful to have been adopted by a loving and prepared couple who were truly ready to be parents. I am a very fortunate person in both regards.
A woman in my wife’s mom group -”Betsy”- recently asked her if she and her husband could spend some time with us to discuss adoption. Specifically, they wanted to know what it means to be adopted. They were in the process of adopting a child and were curious about how to discuss it with their child as he or she grew up. We were more than happy to help.
A week before our scheduled meeting, Betsy and her husband received some good news – a match had been found. Due to a collection of legal, scheduling, and family reasons, the adoption agency was hoping to place the little boy with Betsy and her husband in three weeks. This meant they had a lot to do and more than a handful of strong emotions to sift through in a very short period of time. But it also meant that her husband had to get a few things done and couldn’t join her to meet with us.
When we finally got together, and after the usual small talk about our beagle and basset hound dogs, her first question was exactly what I expected: “what do we tell him”. I believe most parents understand the importance of being open and honest with your child about something as important and life-altering as adoption, but I’m glad she was asking and open to discussion. My wife and I both shared our experiences and how our parents handled it. Mine were very upfront with me for as long as I can remember. For my wife’s parents, her adoption was a difficult subject and not a blunt topic of conversation. It took both of us a while to describe our circumstances and give her a solid understanding of why our parents felt they way they did. After both of us answered, she seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. She told us they had already planned on being open with the boy about being adopted, but they weren’t quite sure how or what to say. Our stories gave her some ideas and suggestion she said were extremely helpful.
That first question was the foundation for all of her curiosity. Over a three hour chat, we talked about unique aspects of being adopted, the different ways it can occur in the State of California, and the special reminders that will unfold throughout his life to remind him he’s adopted and how wonderful it is. Common comments such as, “that runs in the family” or a doctor requesting family medical history have unique meaning to a family of adoption. My wife and I shared many anecdotes about our childhoods and what being adopted meant to us. We talked about its impact on our son and the frustration of not having a true medical history for him. We also told her some stories of other adopted children we knew growing up and how traumatic it was for them to discover their adoption late in life.
As I shared earlier, I’m thankful for the many brave decisions made by the adults in my life. My adoption has always been a source of pride for me and although I know my adoptive parents are also proud, I certainly hope my biological parents are too. Before Betsy left, I wanted to make sure she took as much from our discussion as she could. She said she had no more questions so I told her my opinion of how loving and generous she and her husband are for adopting. They have a great deal to be proud of and they will have a very special family.
As a side note, I remember seeing a refrigerator magnet that says “friends are the family we choose for ourselves”. I don’t think that is accurate. Friends are friends. But when you adopt a child, that bond is truly about the family we choose. A child chooses their parents and their parents -through great love and generosity- choose a child.
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