(This is the second in a two part series on adoption. A recent meeting with a woman currently in the adopting process made me realize the importance of discussing a topic I have thus far rarely mentioned.The first part discussed the meeting my wife and I had with her and what brought her to us. This part will go more deeply into the emotional aspects of adopting, being adopted, and foster care. You are encouraged to share your own thoughts on all of these as we discuss this important issue.)
Thank you for coming back to this two part series on adoption. As a means of beginning this second part, I thought you would want to know that my wife recently spoke to Betsy and things are moving along very nicely. It looks as though she, her husband, and their daughter will be welcoming a little boy into their lives in a few weeks!
In the first part of this series, we talked about the incredible curiosity Betsy was feeling about what it was like to be a adopted. Her biggest question was “what do we tell him”. Now we’re going to look at that very important question and we will do so from both sides. What does a parent go through when discussion adoption or foster care with their kids? On the flip side, what do adopted kids feel when they think of their adoption and special place in the world of families?
As I briefly mentioned last week, parents treat the issue of adoption very differently. Some are secretive and prefer not to discuss the topic. Others, like my parents, are very open and honest, keeping a good line of communication with their child. I thought it best to ask adopting and foster parents directly what emotions and experiences they have had to help others understand what they went through.
The adopting parents I interviewed are actually my parents. Sure it was convenient, but they are also excellent examples of a loving couple who went through the adoption process. The foster parents, Ron and Marla, have years of fostering experience and are very experienced in the ups and downs of being a foster parent.
Although quite obvious, it is important to note the critical aspect of not having a biological connection in a family. For most of the world, this is taken for granted. Not so when you are an adopted or foster child. You are reminded of this fact regularly and it leads to many uncommon discussions in a family. My parents were always comfortable with the “notion that [they] were always ‘mom’ and ‘dad’.” I never wanted my “other family” or somehow used my adoption to try and hurt my parents. I knew who my parents were and that was that. Ron and Marla had a similar approach. Children coming into their home were given a choice: “you can choose to be a foster child or you can choose to be our child.” This afforded them a very important bond with a child who wasn’t theirs – accountability. This tremendously helps parents guide the relationship and children feel a sense of worth, responsibility, boundaries, and acceptance. To their credit, not one of their foster kids ever chose to be “foster kids”.
Nearly every adopting or foster parent will tell you, the journey to hold such a title is no easy path. Every aspect of your life can be harshly scrutinized, your home redesigned, your lifestyle questioned, your religious beliefs held against you, and your very morals deemed unworthy. A cousin of mine recently adopted a little girl from Africa. Before she met her, I asked why she chose an African child and her answer surprised me, but probably shouldn’t have. She told me that as a single woman, who was Jewish, and employed full-time, and in her forties, she had found it nearly impossible to find any agency that would help her in the United States. My own parents waited three and a half years before finally being matched with me. During those years, they went through classes, group meetings, interviews, and watching every other set of parents in their group receive a child. They were dead last. Ron and Marla experienced their own arduous road with classes, home visits from social workers, extensive interviews, and home remodeling. In Marla’s words, “there is so much work that goes into this job, you really need to want it – badly.” I was on the other side of that coin. I know for a fact that had I “rejected” my adopting parents -that is the word the adoption agency used- I would have been removed. My parents and I can honestly say we chose our family. I take a great deal of pride in knowing what my folks went through to become parents and that we truly did choose and accept each other. It is comforting to know that minus a biological connection, we have something special that unites us as a family. Something rare and unique.
But not everything about adoption and foster parenting is rare. There is one trait that unites all parents no matter how their families came together – patience. Those parents in the system need an amazing sense of patience as their lives are picked apart by “the system”. Once families are together, parenting is parenting. Patience is a requirement but parents who adopt or foster children need a little extra. For foster parents like Ron and Marla who cared for teenagers, they remembered they were “working with wounded souls, not broken, and they can be healed.” My parents probably didn’t need much extra because I was an angelic child and nearly perfect. (You believe me, right?)
When you choose to bring someone else’s child into your life, you are accepting a wonderful responsibility and making what is arguably the most impactful choice on this planet. My dad had some advice for anyone considering adoption and I’ll mention a bit of it here: “First and foremost – NEVER consider adoption of a child as a vehicle to cement a rocky marriage. Babies are not some form of vaccine for what ails you. Be a couple or single parent secure in your belief that your desire is to be a good parent to someone who needs you in their life.” He also suggested, “don’t become a pompous ass as an adoptive parent, with an ego that somehow suggests you’re more qualified as a parent than a biological parent. The reverse is equally true – you’re no less a parent if you are an adoptive parent.” I think Ron and Marla’s advice to those looking at becoming foster parents was unique and incredibly helpful. “[B]e realistic in your goals. If you do it right, there is absolutely no money in it. Do not expect large miracles like rainbows and angels singing – you have to settle for small daily miracles like the table set, the dishes done – a hug or a B+ on a test.”
I’d like to close part two of this series with my own advice for those considering adoption. Find the courage to be open with your kids about their adoption and always be willing to help them understand what it means. Your family will have unique moments of pride and special questions throughout your lives regarding the adoption. They are easier to share when you already know what adoption means and that is true for each of you.
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